


Say When

by wrabbit



Series: Trans-Atlantic [1]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: AU - Second Movie Doesn't Exist, Consent, Deviates From Canon, Dom/sub, Getting Together, Gyms, Hurt/Comfort, Kingsman Training, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Smoking, Teasing, exercise kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:13:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27356320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wrabbit/pseuds/wrabbit
Summary: Kingsmen is re-organised as a technology and defence company in the ashes left by Arthur and Valentine.Eggsy stays with the company, and so does Merlin. It shouldn't matter anymore, but he can't stop thinking about the hell Merlin put him through in training.
Relationships: Merlin/Gary "Eggsy" Unwin
Series: Trans-Atlantic [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2031097
Comments: 10
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place after the first movie. The other Kingsman movies don't exist in this fic. Harry is still dead.

It had been over a year and Eggsy still wasn't sure what he was doing or what Kingsmen Ltd. was, exactly. No royal mandate, no personal weapons, no suits. Endless spreadsheets, meetings, and reports. Talks of jurisdiction, international standards, and other business that sailed way over Eggsy's head.

"You're disappointed," Merlin said, when he was hired into his new position.

"I'm not."

"Sure."

"It's just..."

Merlin touched his shoulder. "Could have enlisted," he said.

"Yeah. Could've." Maybe.

Many of the remaining Kingsmen field agents had transferred to intelligence or the armed forces. Eggsy didn't know why he didn't go. Loyalty to Harry, he guessed. He didn't have anything else to fall back on. And he had already fucked up the military option once before.

And he hated the way the MI6 guys looked at him, talked at him, during a gauntlet of debriefs that lasted all summer and into the following year. He wasn't like the other field agents, despite how he had excelled and survived. He had no degree or pedigree. They didn't like him. He felt the same. And he was so tired, by the end of it.

How could he say no, when Merlin asked him to stay. The admin staff, the techs, many of them stayed with what was left of the new, privatised and rebranded Kingsmen. Felt like a chance to be something different.

Now, looking across the table at Merlin, reading a newspaper at the tail end of their monthly meet, Eggsy felt as mistaken and misplaced as he ever had. Merlin didn't even work there anymore. What was Merlin's title again? Director of Development North America? What was that?

"How's New York?" he asked when the last of their colleagues had finally exited the conference room.

"It's fine." Merlin sounded cheerful when he closed his paper. "How's London."

"It's fine."

"You're lying."

Merlin always did point out the obvious. "Aren't you?"

"No. What's the matter?"

Eggsy shuffled his meeting packet, pocketed a flash drive. "Nothing. Everything's great. I was just asking."

"Right."

"Right."

Merlin moved to stand up. "Lunch?"

"Yep." He glanced at his phone.

"I don't understand what I'm doing here," Eggsy burst out, later. He had wanted to go to the pub, but Merlin steered them to one of their usual places, a cafe with a light lunch counter. He ate pesto panini while Eggsy had his personal crisis. "I'm not cut out for this. I don't know why they hired me."

"I hired you."

"The last field tech they brought on has a PhD!"

Merlin turned to look at him, eyebrows furrowed. "Eggsy. I trained you myself. You have well proven your worth in this role, from what I've heard."

Eggsy turned away from him at that. He put his elbow on the counter. "Stop saying that."

"It hasn't been easy for me, either. We're all trying to figure out what this means, together."

"We're not together."

"I know. I'm sorry."

Merlin sounded genuinely sorry. "Why are you being so nice?"

"I am nice," Merlin commented, finishing his sandwich.

Eggsy squinted. How could he say that? "Since when?"

Merlin jostled Eggsy's knee. "It's good to see you," he said, and smiled. "I'm sorry I missed you last month."

Eggsy let himself relax and be squeezed in a side hug. "It's good to see you, too."

The thing is, Eggsy thought, sprinting on the treadmill later, he thought he knew Merlin, once upon a time. Merlin had been Kingsmen through and through. He had trained Eggsy's recruitment class, initiated them, eliminated the weak with all kinds of physical and psychological ordeals.

And what happened after, what they survived together. That was something else. Something that Eggsy couldn't even let himself think about.

They had lived through a nightmare together, absolute, life-shattering insanity. But now it seemed like Merlin had moved on. He wanted to be trans-atlantic colleagues. Business casual friends. Coffee and a meeting every other month. Fucking calendar invites.

Eggsy still remembered the sound of Merlin's laugh in his ear during the skydive test. Could still feel the weight of a gun in his hand. Still woke up in the morning with his heart racing. 

And he had only been a Kingsman for less than a year. How could Merlin just write it off and carry on? He picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm just getting home. Are you okay? What's happening?"

Oh, right. "Nothing, I'm just running."

"Running?" Merlin still sounded alarmed.

Eggsy leaned against the treadmill. "I'm at the gym. It's fine."

Merlin was silent. Eggsy took his phone away from his ear, nearly hung up on him. Instead, he said, "Do you remember the skydive?"

"During your training? I do. I was worried about you."

"Didn't seem like it. You totally laughed."

"At first," Merlin clarified.

Eggsy was catching his breath and his senses with it. Oh, shit, what was he doing?

"I have to go!" He ended the call and switched it to airplane mode.

"Oh, shit."

Should he call Merlin back? Should he text him? What should he say? I'm fine, I wasn't doing anything weird? I'm sorry, I guess I was just feeling nostalgic about that time you almost killed me and wondered if you were, too.

Eggsy left his phone in his bag. He went to the weight room.

He guessed he just hadn't had time to process it. It was just training, that was all. It was just like boot camp, and Merlin was just playing his part.

It was stupid to think anything of it, considering what happened after.

Eggsy racked a bar and sat down on the mat. He stretched his legs out on the floor.

He did a few push-ups before he turned his phone back on. Text from Merlin: [Are you ok? Call me later.]

Yeah, Eggsy didn't want to do that. What kind of people were they now, old soldiers who called each other up to chat about the good old days? No thanks.

He didn't see or speak to Merlin again until the next all-staff meeting, six weeks later. Merlin was in London for four days this time around, but Eggsy didn't expect to see him much.

He was at his desk, playing a game on his phone while he waited for his computer to update when Merlin tapped at the door.

"I'm sorry if I'm interrupting."

"No! Come in."

Merlin looked pleased to see him. In Eggsy's cubicle. Wearing a lanyard.

"How's America?"

"I was expecting you to call."

Right. "Right," Eggsy said. "Sorry."

Merlin placed a hand on his desk. "Are you alright? Do you have time to talk, while I'm here?"

"It's fine. I'm good. They're keeping me on the radio deployment team, so..."

"Good," Merlin said. "Okay."

Merlin took him out of the office. "I just don't understand what it was all for," Eggsy muttered into the bar top. He thought he was crying. Couldn't be sure. Merlin's hand was on his back.

"I don't know," Merlin said. "I wish I could tell you."

Eggsy, face in his hands, saw Merlin lift his glass out of the blurry corner of his eye. "I don't know," Merlin said again. His voice was thick. Merlin was crying.

Eggsy turned to look at him, felt a messy, embarrassing emotion congeal in his throat. Harry was there, coming up from his gut. Eggsy pushed him back down. He couldn't think about that right now.

He tried to focus on Merlin, looking like someone's accountant at a posh bar. "What the fuck are you doing in New York?" he said, his voice cracking.

"I don't know." Merlin sounded more composed. He threw back his whisky, didn't even bother to wipe the tears from his face. "Let's go."

Merlin threw his arm across his shoulders on the sidewalk. Eggsy didn't know what to do with his hands, but Merlin didn't seem to care. Just hung on a quarter step behind him, awkwardly keeping pace. They ended up at a cafe booth on the sidewalk.

"Why did you ask me about training?" Merlin asked him.

"Uh." Eggsy wrapped his hands around his water glass. "I don't know. We never talked about it. It was insane, wasn't it?"

"How so?"

"Intense, I guess." Eggsy caught a smile on Merlin's face. "You think about it, too."

"I am always thinking about Kingsmen. My brothers, my countrymen. There was nothing like it and there will never be anything like it again."

Jesus, could he not? Eggsy was going to cry again. He pressed cold fingers to his temples.

"Harry loved you like his own son," Merlin said.

"Stop it." Eggsy closed his eyes. He clamped down on a burst of grief and anger that flooded his stomach.

They didn't speak, for a while. Merlin accepted coffee, when a waitress came round.

"I am truly sorry," Merlin said, meeting Eggsy's eyes steadily when he did dare to look at Merlin again.

Eggsy got the feeling that they weren't talking about Harry anymore. "About what?"

"About this. This isn't what you were promised. And I'm sorry that I'm not here for you anymore." It didn't hurt, to hear him say that. Eggsy wasn't sure what he felt.

"It's just a job," he replied. "I can deal with it. Don't know what else I would have done."

Merlin leaned back against the booth, watched the people walking past. "Clean floors. Steal. Sell. Drive a lorry bus," he suggested.

"Sure," Eggsy agreed. "Why not?"

"I trained you better than that."

Now that was just annoying. "You trained me to do what I have to do to survive."

"I trained you to be tough, and confident, and resourceful," Merlin replied. "You sell yourself too short."

Eggsy was still irritated, actually, now that they were talking about it again. "Are we friends, sir?"

Merlin blinked at the address. "Yes."

"Sometimes I feel like I don't know you at all," Eggsy muttered. "No offense."

"What do you mean?"

"Did you like training me?"

"You were an excellent pupil," Merlin said, almost smirking. Eggsy had been a nightmare, but he had excelled.

"How can you just - " Eggsy looked around to see if anyone was listening, "you practically tortured us. You scared the life out of me - several times! You gave me a dog to kill!"

Merlin looked exasperated now, like Eggsy was being petty or something.

"And then it's Oh, Hi Eggsy, How's the new team, Per my last email, blah blah blah, I miss him, too. What the fuck?!" Eggsy finished. He folded his arms, and leaned back against the corner of the booth. Knew he was sulking, didn't care.

Merlin sighed. He swirled his coffee and took a sip. "It was my job to make Kingsman agents," he said, like it was simple. "I thought you knew that."

"And now you do a different job," Eggsy said.

"Yes."

"Just like normal people do."

"Indeed."

God, Merlin looked strained.

"I'm sorry. Sorry." Eggsy rubbed his face. "I didn't mean to. I don't know what I'm saying. I miss it, or something. I don't know what to do anymore."

"I miss it, too," Merlin answered slowly.

"Do you miss me?"

He smiled. "I was starting to."

\---

Eggsy waited until Merlin was a safe 3,500 miles away to text him again. [Do you remember the track], he wrote. He was lying back on the couch with JB in his lap.

[The what?]

[The tracks where we trained.]

[What about it?]

Merlin had made them run, carrying weight, around the indoor track until they fell, one by one, and couldn't get back up again. Several medics were on hand, like they always were during training exercises. Eggsy had felt like he was going to die nevertheless. He'd puked his guts out at Merlin's feet, pushed himself back up, and ran.

'What about it?' What not about it?

[I thought you were going to kill us. Or let us die, a bunch of times.]

Merlin didn't reply for a long time.

Another time, early in their training, Merlin held a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. It was a trick. You need to know what this feels like, Merlin had said. One day soon you are going to look down the barrel at an unfriendly face and you cannot flinch.

A dozen simulated fire fights later and nothing compared to that first time, looking through the gun into Merlin's black eyes. It was palpable. He couldn't square it with the Merlin he knew now.

Probably should have seen the final challenge coming, he thought, in hindsight, but they had thought that they were done by then.

[What would you do if someone did that to you?] He asked Merlin, about the tests, about any part of it.

[I don't know. Punch them in the neck], Merlin suggested.

[What if I had fought back?]

[It depends. Do you wish you had?]

[Did anyone ever fight you?]

[Sure.]

[Anyone who became a kingsman?]

[No.]

[Did you like doing it?] Eggsy's thumb hovered over the send button. What are you afraid of? he thought. He sent it the text.

Eggsy's phone rang. It was Merlin. Eggsy watched the call ring out without moving, worried that he would accidentally take it.

What was he doing? Eggsy wished he could call Roxy. She was MI6 now, along with some other Kingsmen that he didn't know. She said there were more of them than she realised at first - failed recruits, former agents, techs - mostly transfers from way before the collapse of Kingsmen as they knew it.

Merlin had trained him too well for a job that didn't exist anymore. Harry made a place for him in the world, and gave him something to believe in, but it was Merlin who beat Kingsmen into his very body and soul.

What was Eggsy supposed to do after that? Cut his losses? Work in a shop? Get his diploma?

Text from Merlin: [When is a good time to talk?]

Eggsy looked up at the ceiling. That night, he dreamt about Merlin looking down at him with the cold, calculating eyes of a shark. So unlike the explosive rage and hate that Eggsy was more familiar with. So unlike Merlin in the office. So unlike anything Eggsy had ever experienced before or since.

In his dream, Merlin put his boot to Eggsy's shoulder and kicked him over onto his back.

He woke up early, before 5am, and couldn't get back to sleep. He sat up in his bedroom window to smoke and was fascinated by all the activity. London waking up. The dogwalkers, the taxis, the people already up and dressed for work.

He was being sent to Germany, to put their latest applications through their paces in the field. He had ignored Merlin's last call and text and wouldn't see him again for at least a month. He had to pack.

[Can I call you?] Merlin texted him, a few days later. Eggsy was at the hotel bar, winding down after a long day in the sun. [Sure], he replied. He still winced to see Merlin's name pop up on his screen a few seconds later.

"Hiya."

"Where are you?"

"Berlin. Where are you?"

"Connecticut."

"Oh. Why?"

"I rent an apartment outside of the city. I thought you knew."

"Oh. Yeah." It wasn't as if Eggsy had ever written Merlin a letter. He realised that he still didn't think of Merlin as living in the United States at all. Just working there.

They talked shop for a few minutes, about Berlin, about Germans, about the field test, about the new procedural manuals.

"What else did you want to ask me about training?"

Eggsy picked at the label on his beer bottle. He wished he knew. "We just never talked about it." It was only the least important of the things they'd never talked about.

"What do you want to know?"

"Was it always the same? Other groups of recruits?"

Merlin laughed. "They were all different."

"How many?"

"Ohh." Eggsy heard Merlin breathe or sigh. "That I supervised? I don't know. Five or six?"

"How were they different?"

"The people were all different. The group dynamics."

"The exercises."

"Yeah, some of them. The main trials, they all changed over time."

"But always dogs?"

"Yes." Merlin hesitated. "That was a Kingsman tradition."

"Did you, was it...," Eggsy didn't know what he was going to ask, or he did, and he didn't want to ask it again. "Was it hard?"

"Sometimes." Eggsy waited for more. He could hear that there was more, but Merlin didn't elaborate. He tapped his coaster on the bar.

Okay, but did you enjoy any of it, he wanted to ask again. Did you hate it? Was it you? Did you believe in it? Were you playing a character? Did it matter?

"You were a strong recruit. Smart, brave as hell," Merlin said.

"I couldn't. I didn't." He didn't pass, he meant. He failed.

Merlin was silent for a long time. Eggsy stared at the bar, wondered if he'd lost the line or hung up. Wondered what Merlin was thinking about his failure.

"Would you have done it, if it had been me?" Merlin's voice was quiet on the line.

Eggsy had forgotten: Merlin was supposed to be the one to give him the gun and tell him to shoot the dog, not Arthur. Merlin, who'd asked him to run until he was sick. Who'd expected him to get up again. Merlin, who had twisted reality around himself. Merlin who had held a pistol to his head and pulled the trigger, to purge him of fear.

It should have been just one final act of blind faith, after a hundred wicked tests of faith and endurance.

"I don't know." He'd never thought about it.

Merlin hummed.

Yeah.

\---

The following month, Merlin greeted him right off his flight. They walked into the building's largest conference room together, Merlin's hand on his shoulder.

The walls were lined with portraits of the Kingsmen, as they used to be, with brass plaques under each frame. Eggsy was always careful to avoid Harry's eyes.

The content of the meeting, Eggsy assumed, was like any other business meeting. Eggsy never had anything to report. His supervisor spoke a few words. Merlin spoke for longer, and dialogued with his counterparts in the main office.

It was odd, listening to him talk about accounts and capacity and subcontracts. He seemed comfortable. He even laughed, a bit. Eggsy thought that Merlin seemed like a good boss, in a completely different way from the way he was a good trainer of Kingsmen. Professional, organised, easy to talk to. He wondered what it was like to be on his team.

The others didn't seem to treat Merlin any differently, or with any special deference to his service in another world. And for himself, if anyone thought much about Eggsy, they didn't let on.

Merlin didn't hang around afterwards. Eggsy was busy anyway. He was watching his sister in the evenings, and taking her to the zoo to see the same hippo three weekends in a row. He went on a few dates, broke it off. He didn't like to go out just to hang out so much anymore. It wasn't the same without his mates.

His life and ability to get out of bed and have a regular conversation kind of went to shit for a long time, after everything that happened. And then he realised that his old friends didn't even talk to each other, anymore. They got together when Eggsy wanted to.

It was easier, to stay home and scroll through the apps on his phone, when he did want to see someone. Sometimes he had a date, but mostly he just talked to girls about their dogs.

He was out on a second date, the next time Merlin texted him. [Are you busy?]

[With someone. What are you doing? Are you in London?]

[I will be, tomorrow.]

[Lunch?]

[See you then.]

Eggsy was a bit high and a bit drunk when he got home that night.

He had another dream about Merlin, anticipating his visit. Merlin watching him while he struggled against the ropes, an engine hurtling down the tracks. Merlin's eyes, pitiless, rapt, curious to see what Eggsy would do.

Merlin asked him about who he'd been seeing. Eggsy told him about Rosa - saw her for two weeks. Alyx, two dates. They ate outside again, falafel on a park bench. Eggsy wanted to ask about Merlin. He wasn't sure what made him hesitate. They were friends, right? Why everything else and not this?

"Are you seeing anyone?"

Merlin laughed. "Not for a while."

"Were you?" Eggsy asked. Before.

Merlin told him that he had buried a partner, retired Kingsman. Eggsy wanted to know more, but he also felt like he was prying and about to cry. "I'm sorry. Merlin, I'm sorry."

Merlin looked up at the trees. His eyes were bright. He squeezed Eggsy's wrist. "The last Kingsmen," he said.

Eggsy wondered which portrait it was, on the wall.

\---

It was a while yet before Eggsy saw Merlin again.

He saw Roxy, once. He heard that Merlin was somewhere in Ohio, doing who knew what. Eggsy was in Berlin again, and then Prague. Then assigned to the lab and spending six weeks running tests on a new prototype. It was a gun, this time.

Holding it in his hands, feeling its curves, Eggsy remembered that he was good at this sort of thing. He was good with tools, whether it was a vehicle, or a weapon, or an egg beater. He liked figuring how to use them, how to break them, how to balance them, how to make them sing. How someone could make them better.

Sometimes he wondered if any of it really happened to him. He thought about his mate Joe. Two tours in Iraq and then he managed a chip shop. What the fuck. Eggsy thought about paying him a visit, asking him just that: What the fuck?

Joe's job had never seemed weird before. It just seemed normal, that he would come home and work somewhere.

Seeing Merlin in the hallway after he'd been gone for a few months was uncanny. Like walking by a ghost in dark grey slacks and a blue tie, an impersonator who smiled at him and nodded, a mug of tea and a tablet in one hand.

Eggsy could hear Merlin speaking with someone from the North American office in the hallway. He poked at his laptop and waited for Merlin to walk by. "Hey stranger," Merlin said, finally. "Dinner later?"

"God, yes."

Merlin disappeared into an office somewhere until well after seven, well past the time when Eggsy usually skipped out. "Somewhere quiet," he suggested, looking beat.

Eggsy took Merlin to his apartment for the first time, where Merlin didn't hesitate to install himself on the couch. Restless and hoping that Merlin wasn't currently counting the empty bottles that littered his apartment, Eggsy ordered take-out in the kitchen. He heard Merlin turn on the TV.

Merlin watched a singing show, and Eggsy sat down, grateful that he apparently wasn't expected to talk. He laughed to see how into it Merlin was, like it was a football match.

Eggsy wanted to talk about Kingsmen, but he also didn't want to cry again. Merlin brought it out in him. He was too earnest. Merlin couldn't reminisce about the stunts and the triumphs without talking about Harry, and Percy, and all the rest of the men that Eggsy never knew, and Eggsy still couldn't talk about Harry.

"You are hilarious," he commented, on his third slice of pizza. Merlin was dueting with the contestant on the screen.

Merlin finished on a whispered high note and let his conducting hand fall back to the couch. "What?" he laughed.

"Is it mad? Us hanging out like this?"

"Why?" Merlin didn't seem concerned. He took a swig from his beer and set it down, only half paying attention to Eggsy.

"I don't get how we can just be blokes who work together in an office."

Merlin glanced at him. "What else should we do?"

Eggsy told him about his friend Joe, at the chip shop. How insane it seemed, in retrospect.

"I was a maths teacher before Kingsmen," Merlin said, as an aside.

"Uh, I lifted bikes and cars. Don't think I could make a living at that, anymore."

The television was advertising paper towels. Eggsy felt Merlin's hand brush his shoulder. His face was lined with old pain, new fatigue, concern.

Eggsy let himself move closer, until Merlin's arm was resting over his shoulders. He was hit with an urge to rest his head in Merlin's lap, but he left a gap between their legs on the couch and tried to act natural.

"You were an incredible trainer. I might have gone to class more often, if you had been my maths teacher."

He felt Merlin's huff of disbelief. "I thought you were angry with me."

"Were you avoiding me?"

The hand on Eggy's shoulder squeezed a bit. "No, but it did seem like you needed some space."

Eggsy tried to think of a safe thing to say. Didn't find one. "I can't look at the wall where Harry is," he said quietly. "Feels like I should be there with him. It's what you trained me for."

He thought back to Merlin's steady hands and eyes, holding a pistol to his face. The tension so thick and tight between them in those few seconds that it seemed to expand out of time to the present day. Merlin had trained him to give everything and die for Kingsmen.

Merlin looked stricken. He pulled Eggsy in for a hug, crushing him to his chest with his arm around Eggsy's back, one hand on the back of his head. Eggsy squeezed his eyes shut, cried a bit despite himself, tried not to, before Merlin let him go.

Eggsy locked himself in the bathroom for a few minutes. Fucking Merlin, always making him do this. He splashed his face with cold water and reappeared with a bag of weed and a pipe, still annoyed. Merlin seemed fine, though, if tired. He had changed the channel to some interview.

"You're going to fail your drug test," Merlin commented, taking the bag.

"My what?" Eggsy asked, but Merlin was already packing the bowl. "Nevermind." He guessed he didn't care, either.

They sat at either end of the couch, facing each other.

"It was kind of fun, wasn't it?" Eggsy said.

"Which part?" Merlin said smiling around the mouth piece. "The part where you threw up on my loafers?"

"Yes. Actually."

Merlin laughed, coughing.

"I wish we could do it again."

"In god's name, why?" But he wasn't looking at Eggsy, holding the lighter to the bowl again.

Eggsy shrugged. He watched Merlin smoke, leaning back against the arm rest. He had one foot on the floor and one leg bent up on the couch. He looked like an open door, in that moment.

Eggsy bit down on a decision. He knelt up and moved forward, all the way into Merlin's space. Merlin watched him curiously. He didn't react except to hold the pipe out of the way and tip his head as Eggsy leaned in to kiss him. It was an awkward angle and Eggsy had to sit back down after a second.

Merlin's irises were dark in the dim living room, the circles under his eyes almost purple up close. He needed to shave.

"I see," Merlin said, as Eggsy sat back against the couch, taking the pipe. "Can we talk about this some other time?"

Eggsy couldn't read his voice. He was pretty sure Merlin wasn't angry or disgusted. Other than that, he didn't know.

He was embarrassed, though. "Sorry."

"Come here." Eggsy adjusted as Merlin slid over to sit beside him, their legs pressed together. He stretched his neck back against Merlin's arm as Merlin lifted the remote and turned up the volume a little. The talent show was back on.

Merlin went back to his hotel, hugged him tightly at the door.

Eggsy tried not to think about it.

His cell rang a few days later. "We should talk," Merlin said.

"Right."

"So."

"Yep."

"About Kingsmen training."

"I... guess?" Really? Did he have to bring that up again? Eggsy would have prefered to talk about kissing. It was less embarrassing.

"You wanted another go at it, I think."

Eggsy winced. He really wished he wasn't standing in his apartment lobby with his dog on a leash. JB lied down on the tile floor and sighed. Eggsy leaned against the wall, also sighed.

"Is it because you failed?"

Technically correct, but Eggsy wasn't sure that was entirely fair.

"What? No."

"You miss Kingsmen," Merlin said. "You barely had any time to be a Kingsman."

"I, sure," Eggsy replied. Also true. "I miss a lot of things."

The silence was somber. Eggsy realised he had to say something before Merlin came out with something maudlin. "It was," he started, not at all clear where he was going. "God. It doesn't matter."

"Sure it does."

Eggsy watched JB watching an old golden retriever amble past the glass doors.

"Eggsy, I have to go."

"Okay." Thank god.

"Bye."

"Bye."

The next four weeks were grueling. Eggsy was on two prototype teams with deadlines. He misjudged himself one night and ended up throwing up in the alley. It hadn't even been a good date. He thought about texting Merlin, just, constantly. He thought about hooking up, about the possibility of other men. He thought about Merlin's legs open on his couch, the tight curve of a seam against his thigh. He thought about his mouth. He dreamt about kissing and fighting.

For the first time, he dreaded Merlin's visit. He wasn't looking forward to seeing him in the office hallway, and he didn't leave his station at the lab all morning. [I'm busy, will you come over later?], he texted Merlin, so he wouldn't look for him.

[Sure.]

Merlin was still off somewhere when Eggsy left for the day. He had time to clean up, walk JB, and put out the trash and thought Merlin might have forgotten about him and gone back to his hotel when he received a text that evening: [I'm on my way. Did you have dinner?]

Eggsy ordered Chinese. He changed his shirt. Don't bring it up, don't kiss him, don't fucking talk about Kingsmen, he promised himself in the mirror.

But Merlin standing in his apartment doorway ten minutes later smelling vaguely of gasoline and fresh cigarette smoke was, well. Merlin was here again, wasn't he? He reached for him before he lost his nerve.

Merlin stopped trying to take his coat off and kissed back, properly this time. He pulled Eggsy onto his toes with a grip that made Eggsy feel like a goose in a python's coils.

Merlin hummed in the back of his throat, low against Eggsy's ear. "Did you order?" He pulled back to ask.

"Yeah."

Merlin touched his hair, smoothing it. "I need a glass of water."

They ate on the couch. "We never did finish talking," Merlin said mid-bite, gesturing with his plastic fork.

Christ. "Didn't we?"

"You don't think it was fair," Merlin said. He seemed to have come to some sort of conclusion, about what Eggsy didn't know.

"What?"

"The tests. The challenges."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Merlin popped a dumpling into his mouth. "You tell me."

Eggsy shook his head. "I don't get you."

"What do you mean?"

"I keep dreaming about that fucking train."

Merlin grinned. "That was fun," he said.

"Excuse me?" He thought that Merlin didn't admit to that kind of thing. "I thought you said you were just doing your duty," he said, a terrible attempt at a Scottish accent slipping out.

"I was."

"Well!" Eggsy gestured. Damn.

"Are you angry? You said you wanted to do it again."

"I'm not. Wait. I don't know."

"Well, you wanted to throw up on my shoes again," Merlin corrected himself.

"That's not what I meant." Merlin waited for him to continue. "It was... the most extreme experience of my life."

"It was meant to be."

Eggsy looked away, struggled to find the words so they could stop talking about this. Huge mistake, ever bringing it up.

"And now we work in an office. You're like a different person now."

Merlin put down his container. He looked grave, now, tired. "Ah," he said. "Aren't we all?"

Eggsy knew it, but it still hurt.

"I'm not."

Unable to look at him, Eggsy could just see Merlin moving slowly. Cleaning up to leave, maybe.

Merlin patted the couch cushion in the corner of his eye. It felt more awkward to ignore him than to give in, and Eggsy scooted over, relieved. Merlin held him gently.

"Tell me the rest."

He told Merlin about one of the dreams, Merlin kicking him on the ground, ordering him to get up and keep running.

"I never threatened you," Merlin said, as if that was important.

Eggsy supposed it was. Merlin had given orders. Including look at me. Trust me. Control yourself. Control your fear. Solve the problem. Take the shot. Step by step, turning them into people who could look down any weapon, from either side of it, at anyone.

He had led them to believe that they were in danger at times, and he had always allowed them to assume that they were in more danger than they probably were.

He had never promised not to hurt them. But he had never laid a hand on one of them. Never threatened them. Not once.

"I know. It was just a dream."

"A nightmare? Or a fantasy?"

Eggsy winced. What a huge fucking mess he'd made.

He could hear Merlin thinking. "I think I'd have some trouble finding another trick train. Does it have to be a steam engine?"

"Fucking hell, I don't care about the train."

He felt Merlin laugh against his side.

They kissed, for a long time. "Did you like doing it?" Eggsy asked him the question that had been rolling around in his brain for months, making him crazy and scraping away at his skull.

"Which part?" Merlin asked against his mouth. Eggsy was shivering all over.

"Scaring the shit out of me, I guess." He was touching Merlin's neck, feeling a scar on his hairline, his jaw.

Merlin didn't answer. He nuzzled Eggsy's jaw and took him by the hip, turning them until he was pressing Eggsy back into the couch. Eggsy clung to his waist, and bit back a series of sounds that Merlin's lips and teeth and rough chin pulled out of his throat.

"You sound like a puppy," Merlin said, licking into his mouth.

If this is what kissing Merlin was like, Eggsy realised, moaning, then he didn't know a goddamn thing about sex with men. He really hoped Merlin wasn't thinking that.

"Did you like being scared?" Merlin asked, looking at him, so close. Eggsy could feel his voice rumble in his chest.

"Not at the - ," Eggsy's breath jumped, a cold hand sliding just under his shirt to touch his hip. "Yes. I don't know."

"But you want to do it again."

"Yeah." His nose and cheek brushing against Merlin's face, Merlin's breath was hot and damp against his ear, and Eggsy had a feeling like Merlin was really in the room with him for the first time in years.


	2. Chapter 2

[What if we worked out together?], Eggsy texted Merlin, one afternoon lunch. 

[Wouldn't you prefer someone who can keep up with you?]

Guess not. Eggsy finished his falafel and went back to work. Couldn't Merlin take a message? Was Eggsy just a pervert? Gross.

[I'm out of shape], he tried, one more time unto the breach and all that. [I need a coach.]

Merlin didn't respond all day. 

Eggsy was smoking on the couch with JB, thinking about Merlin and feeling weird about it when his phone lit up that evening: [What do I get out of it?]

Oh, um. [Me?]

[:)]

"Bastard," Eggsy reported to JB. 

The weather turned. Eggsy nursed a cold, and didn't mention training, or Kingsmen, or try to talk to Merlin about any of his weird fantasies again. It was fine. 

He liked Merlin the way he was, not just the way he had been. Sappy, singing, business class Merlin. And he liked the way Merlin greeted him with a kiss in the park, sliding into Eggsy's space with assurance. 

It was a bright, cold autumn day and Eggsy had his hands in his coat. He had just pulled it out that morning. "Hi," he grinned.

"Hi." Merlin's gloved hand slid down Eggsy's back and took his hand, warm from his pocket.

He was lovely in a black peacoat and a neatly looped blue scarf. Eggsy felt a bit immature and absurd in his puffy coat, but Merlin didn't look at him like he was embarrassing. Quite the opposite. 

Eggsy wondered if Merlin had dated anyone in America. He didn't want to ask. He pictured Merlin in a New England townhouse with stone countertops, sunny rooms, leather furniture, everything neat and in its place. The opposite of how Eggsy lived, really. 

He was vaguely aware that Merlin lived closer to Connecticut than Manhattan and Connecticut sounded like Martha Stewart. Eggsy imagined Merlin with the equivalent of Martha Stewart. Someone cultured. An attorney, or a psychologist. Someone who saw a barber regularly and who knew about wine and interest rates. Eggsy hated Merlin's hypothetical boyfriend. 

"What are you thinking?" Merlin asked. He looked amused, pleased with himself. 

"Am I dreaming? I feel like I'm dreaming." Merlin laughed. "What's New York like?" Eggsy asked him as they started to walk, hand in hand on a carpet of yellow leaves.

"Boring," Merlin replied. "Very beautiful, this time of year." 

"Why don't you live in the city?"

Merlin sighed. "I go to bed too early to enjoy it," he said. "And I prefer to drive. When I was your age I thought New York was the ultimate city, but now this is the place I care to visit." 

"I've never been."

Merlin turned to look at him, surprised. "You have to come. Soon," he said, and squeezed Eggsy's hand. "I'm sorry I didn't think of it." 

"It's okay." Eggsy grinned. 

"I only think about New York as an office. Shame, really. We could have fun." They swung their hands together, like kids. Eggsy wasn't sure if he started it. He thought he was blushing. 

They went back to Eggsy's place that night and they were on his couch again, watching one of Merlin's singing shows. Eggsy still hadn't invited him to bed, to stay over, and Merlin hadn't suggested it. He hadn't tried anything, either. 

Surely Merlin noticed. Surely he wasn't coming over just to make out and watch his shows.

Eggsy was certain he would have let Merlin fuck him already, if Merlin had gone for it. 

"Do you want to do anything else?" Eggsy came out and asked him. Merlin was watching the screen, absently scratching JB at his side. He'd stolen Eggsy's dog away, that was for sure. 

"Like what?" Merlin looked at him. "We can watch something else," he offered. 

"No, it's fine."

"It's okay if you're bored."

"I'm not!" Some lady in a gown was singing something operatic on the telly. There was a cut to a man in the audience, crying. Her dad maybe. "I mean." He gestured to the TV. "This is fine." 

"Clearly."

"I just meant..."

Merlin turned to look at him. He rested his elbow on the back of the couch. 

Eggsy'd never done this before. Never not just had sex. 

"Do you like hanging out here?"

Merlin nudged Eggsy's thigh with his socked foot. "You're not boring me, Eggsy." 

"Even though we're not - "

"We're not what?"

"We haven't had sex. Fucked," Eggsy finished.

Merlin was silent. His eyebrows twitched together in thought and he rested his jaw on his fist as he considered Eggsy. 

"Have you been with a man before?" 

"Sort of." Two or three times. Not sober, he didn't add. Mostly in club bathrooms with other heteroflexible fuck-ups, he didn't add. They'd never wanted to kiss or know his name and it had all been pretty regrettable, he didn't add. 

"I would love to fuck you," Merlin said, plainly, easily. "Only when you want to. Do you want a drink?"

Eggsy followed Merlin to the kitchen and kissed him against the cabinets. Merlin forgot about the drinks for a while. They didn't have sex. 

\---

Eggsy grew irrationally worried that something might happen to Merlin before they got around to having sex. Car crash. Plane crash. Assassination. Food allergy. Heart attack. 

And it would be Eggsy's fucking fault, for being weird about it. He really didn't know what his deal was. He had no problem initiating with women. He could even be, or so he had been informed, too bold for his own good.

But when he looked at Merlin, well. All of his fantasies about Merlin involved the other man making the decision to bulldoze him to the ground. 

So to speak.

Eggsy didn't know what to do with that. 

So he stopped dating, not because they talked about it, but because he could no longer keep Merlin out of his mind for longer than ten minutes. His hands, the lines around his eyes, the way he smelled, the way he laughed, the way his khakis fit, the way he drove a rental car.

Eggsy started spending long hours at the gym. There was a cadre of older folks who cycled and played Candy Crush every morning and they accepted Eggsy into their fold. 

A few weeks later, Merlin, swanning into the office and making Eggsy feel like a schoolkid again when he smiled at him in the hallway. 

Merlin was late in a meeting, as usual, and Eggsy decided to go for a walk while he waited. He risked the stormclouds forming thick and fast. Every once in a while a gust of wind hit the side of his face with a fine mist.

Eggsy swung by the corner shop to pick up chips and a pack of cigarettes. He let himself do that sometimes, just when it was cold and grey. He had a quit by Christmas kind of deal with himself. 

It was just the rain and the wet leaves that made him want to. He was just about to light up, under a parking garage a few buildings down from the office, when Merlin texted him. He told him where he was at. 

"Ah," Merlin said, appearing at the corner to find Eggsy under a cement overhang. "May I?" He gestured to Eggsy's hand. Eggsy passed him the lit cigarette, watched, fascinated and aroused, as Merlin placed it between his lips. 

They took turns. Eggsy, then Merlin. "Are you hungry?" Eggsy asked, shuffling nervously when Merlin hadn't said anything for a while. He was starting to get cold and shiver. The sun had set behind the clouds and it was full dark now.

Merlin nodded, but he didn't move. He was smoking down Eggsy's cigarette, watching the sky, the cars passing, their tyres quiet on the wet pavement. He looked stunningly romantic in the shadowed street lights with his collar up against the rain, like a character from a spy movie. A grimier sort than the type modeled after Kingsmen.

"So about this gym date," Merlin said. "I think you mentioned."

Eggsy looked up, surprised. Something tight coiled in his chest. "Yeah?" He didn't think that Merlin was ever going to bring it up. That he thought it was a joke. 

"I suppose you want me to order you around." Merlin's voice was quiet, weighted with someone Eggsy couldn't tell. 

"Um. Yeah."

Merlin's gaze felt heavy, too. Eggsy cleared his throat.

"Do you want to tell me what to do?" His voice came out smaller than he intended. 

Merlin took a drag off the cigarette. "Yes." 

Eggsy took a breath. God. "Will you hurt me?"

"Do you want me to?"

Eggsy swallowed. He took the cigarette from Merlin's fingers, placed his mouth where Merlin's mouth had been. It was almost down to the filter. "I," he didn't know how to say this. 

Merlin touched Eggsy's wrist as he tried and failed to form the words, took the cigarette from his hand. "Tell me," he said.

"You were like a statue, no matter what. It drove me crazy. I thought you were going to hit me once, though, on the air field." 

Merlin hid a smile behind the cigarette, drawing out the last of it. "I would never hit a recruit," he said, smoke in his mouth, and ground the butt into the cement wall. 

"Maybe I wanted you to. Maybe that's why I kept thinking about it."

"Not because it's what you were used to?"

Eggsy swallowed, bit down on the inside of his cheek. He looked down at the pavement for a long time. 

Merlin seemed to be content to watch the rain fall. A truck rumbled past. 

"How do you feel when you think about it now?"

Eggsy kissed him. Merlin was a tall wall against his chest, unprepared, before he softened and took Eggsy by his coat. He turned them to shelter between a cement pillar and the wall. Eggsy could taste the bitter smoke in his mouth. His lips were wet and cold like rain. 

"Like this," Eggsy answered and his eyelashes brushed against Merlin's nose. 

Merlin's cold hand reaching up to caress his face was like a slap on his burning cheeks. 

\---

Merlin asked him what he normally did at the gym, back at Eggsy's the following evening. 

"Ummm." It's a normal question, be normal, Eggsy mentally coached himself. "I run, or I cycle. Then weights. I don't keep track of it. There's yoga. I should do that."

"What's the layout?"

Eggsy tried to describe the facilities. Where the equipment was, what mornings and evenings were like. He couldn't remember if the yoga studios were upstairs or downstairs.

Merlin was shaking his head. "Situational - "

"Awareness, I know." 

"We'll have to go early, then," Merlin said, after Eggsy finished telling him about the typical day and night crowds.

"Really? Soon?"

Merlin thought for a moment. "Tomorrow if you like," he said. 

He didn't know what to say. Eggsy could hear JB snoring at Merlin's feet. "Can you... come here?" 

Merlin set his beer down and scooted over to sit by Eggsy. JB groaned and rolled over.

"No, like - " Eggsy pulled on Merlin's shoulder, encouraging him to turn. They maneuvered awkwardly until Eggsy was reclining back with Merlin half on his side over him. Merlin pulled a blanket up from the floor to cover their legs. 

"Uh, you're covered in dog hair now."

"Oh, well."

Eggsy tangled their fingers together, touched Merlin's face and rubbed his ears. 

"Stop that." Merlin took his hand and turned to kiss him, elbow propped on the arm rest behind Eggsy's head. 

"Tell me what you like."

"Merlin," Eggsys complained, nuzzling his neck and shoulder.

"It's okay."

"I like this." 

"This?" Merlin kissed his cheek. He leaned down to suck a spot under Eggsy's jaw that made him jolt and wheeze.

"Not fair. What do you like?" 

"I like it when you gasp and whine like that." 

"I liked it when you had us run, or compete," Eggsy said, trying to give him something. "I didn't like... standing around." 

"Okay," Merlin encouraged him. He brushed Eggsy's hair back from his temple with his free hand. 

"I like you, on me like this," Eggsy confessed. He squeezed Merlin's ass. 

"Like this?" Merlin turned, his knee against Eggsy's thigh, pushing him more firmly into the couch. Eggsy nodded and urged him down by the neck and shoulders, down to kiss. 

"And after?" Merlin asked him later, in the kitchen. They were drinking seltzer and waiting for delivery to arrive and Eggsy had thought they were done with this conversation. 

"After?" 

"Do you have an idea about what you'll need after? A cuddle, a sandwich? I can't very well leave you on the mat for the medics." Merlin's palm brushed over his cheek and ear.

On the mat on the ground. "Oh." Eggsy was too distracted by that image to get to after, just then. "Um."

The glint in Merlin's eye as he smiled made Eggsy's knees weak. He was about to be on the lino floor, if Merlin didn't stop looking at him like that. 

"If you could. Water," Eggsy said. He closed his eyes for a second. 

"Water, what else."

"I'll probably need to shower and eat." 

"Okay."

"Maybe you could come with me."

Merlin smiled. He looked like he wanted to laugh so Eggsy couldn't be doing too poorly. 

"Okay," Merlin said again, prompting. "We'll need to take you home, then. I can't shower with you at the gym."

"Okay," Eggsy rasped, and then, "What if I'm not, what if I'm not ready, to..." 

Merlin raised his hands slowly to rest on Eggsy's shoulders, his neck. He looked at Eggsy down the length of his arms. Leaving space for Jesus, Eggsy thought, mindlessly. 

"There's no need for that," Merlin said. "We still don't have to do anything that you're not ready for."

He sounded certain, but Eggsy wasn't. Apparently, he still couldn't ask Merlin to fuck him like a grown-up. Maybe it was just that he couldn't picture himself in bed with Merlin like a normal person, pressed sheets, candles. Serious Connecticut boyfriend style.

He felt like a dork, a dork that wanted to get on his knees right there in the kitchen, but he was sober, and unsure, and it would have felt ridiculous.

"I also won't hit you," Merlin added. "Not yet. Maybe another time, if you still want to after we do this."

Eggsy felt like he could use a smack to get his mind together, right then. "Sure."

"Good?"

"Yeah." Eggsy tried to project confidence. 

"You look like you're going to be sick," Merlin said. He was frowning. 

"I'm sorry," Eggsy took Merlin's hand and squeezed. He nudged in until he could hook his arm around Merlin's waist and press his face to his shoulder. "I just didn't think you'd ever want to do this," he said into the fabric. 

Merlin was as stiff at first. He breathed and pulled Eggsy into his side. 

"Feels like I'm asking you to do something pretty stupid."

Merlin squeezed Eggsy hard to his chest. They rocked back and forth like that. "It would be my pleasure," Merlin said slowly, "to push you around, if that's what you want."

Eggsy nodded once against his shoulder.

"Will you do what I say?"

"Yeah. I'll try." 

"I won't play with you if you mess with me." 

Eggsy felt Merlin pinch his side, hard. "Ow," he complained, but he smiled against Merlin's jacket. 

Merlin pushed him away from his chest. Eggsy tried to be serious, but he couldn't handle it when Merlin was looking at him like that. "Are you listening?" His hand shot towards Eggsy's other side. 

"Fuck!" Eggsy jumped back laughing, but Merlin pulled him in backwards and wrapped his arms around his chest, the fingers of one hand sneaking up to dig into his ribs. "Merlin!" Eggsy doubled over, laughing. 

Merlin stopped tickling him and squeezed him close. He propped his chin on Eggsy's shoulder, holding him in suspense. "Do you want me to stop?" 

Eggsy could feel stubble against his neck. He felt electrified. "I don't know."

"You need to know," Merlin murmured.

\---

They went in the morning. 

There were two weight rooms. One of them was bigger and had free weights and machines, and one of them was almost always empty before work because it was mostly props and other stuff for calisthenics. The kinds of things Eggsy usually saw people using with their personal trainers. 

It was dark outside, and very cold. Merlin looked warm, and soft, when he stepped out of his taxi under the streetlight. His buttoned up wool coat resembled a robe in the vulnerable hours of the morning. Eggsy felt guilty, suddenly, for bringing him out, but Merlin just smiled at him and squeezed his hand. "Ready?"

He felt like he should say something, before they went in. He was still a bit anxious that Merlin didn't want to be there, but Merlin just ushered them out of the cold and into the lobby of the building when they reached the gym. He stood sentry at the door, waiting for Eggsy to keycard them in. 

Eggsy fumbled it, conscious of Merlin watching him with it. He pushed open the glass doors. 

Eggsy changed by himself in the bright, deserted locker room while Merlin went ahead to look around. He sat on a bench in his shorts, pressing the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. "What are you doing, stop, stop, stop." 

He felt a bit dizzy and sick to his stomach. It was, he realized, not unlike how training had actually felt. Merlin had them woken up like clockwork every day, much too early. And he had liked to get the day going with something bizarre or terrifying every once in a while. This was certainly bizarre. 

Eggsy recalled being in the breakfast room at the Kingsmen compound, trying to shove porridge into his body and dreading whatever fresh ordeals Merlin had arranged for the day. He probably should have eaten something other than cold noodles before they left. 

He'd never wondered if Merlin was having a good morning, though. 

He didn't deserve Merlin. Why was he entertaining this? Didn't people usually just fuck for a while, before they got around to the weird stuff? Eggsy always had. Never did anything else, really. And Merlin wanted to have sex. He'd said so. Why didn't they just do that? 

"Eggsy?" Merlin's quiet voice echoed off the tile, everywhere and nowhere. 

"I'm here." Eggsy sat up, placed his hands on the bench. 

Merlin came to stand in front of him and Eggsy pressed his face to his sternum. He had shed his heavy coat somewhere, and was wearing a grey t-shirt and jeans. He smelled good, like soap and warm clothes. 

Merlin rested his hand on Eggsy's head. "Are you alright?"

"Think so." 

"Did you eat?"

"Not enough, probably." 

"That's fine. Just say when." Merlin squeezed the nape of his neck as Eggsy leaned back. "Consider this your pre-assessment. You said you're out of shape, then show me."

Eggsy warmed up on a treadmill while Merlin watched him from a moderate distance. The mood, he thought, was insanely awkward. 

"How long?" he asked when he settled into a jog. 

"Until I say," Merlin replied, matter of fact. Eggsy felt his shoulder relax some, at that. It didn't matter then. He let himself zone out on his own dark reflection in the glass and jogged, only half paying attention to Merlin leaning against a machine with his arms crossed.

There were a few others running, cycling, and climbing on machines at the far end of the cardio room, under the television set programmed to the morning news, where Eggsy usually cycled. Some of his Candy Crush neighbors were over there, silently tapping away. 

It was quiet. Eggsy started to sweat. He watched, curious, when Merlin came over to look at Eggsy's treadmill computer. Heart rate, speed, distance. 

Merlin pressed a few buttons until it beeped, and Eggsy adjusted smoothly to the faster pace. It felt good, actually. He loved running. He loved being there in the morning, when he could make himself do it, how it woke him up. 

He was just starting to feel challenged, pushing against the first membrane of resistance that he would have run through before he could really get going, when Merlin slowed him back down. Eggsy was in a mood to keep running, and he stopped reluctantly. 

He didn't prefer what Merlin had him do next. Jumping blocks in the calisthenics room. That wing of the gym was abandoned at that hour as he had expected. 

"I thought you were an urban gymnast," Merlin said, when Eggsy grunted, jumping with effort from two feet on the floor to land on the next block, back down again. "Isn't this your bread and butter."

Eggsy caught himself with one hand on his next attempt, foot slipping on the edge of the prop. "I usually use the stairs, these days," he said. He was losing his breath. Jesus. "It's what they're for."

"Land it," Merlin said, walking around the perimeter. "I won't catch you."

Eggsy wasn't afraid to fall, but he was trying to avoid it. He tried to concentrate on each hop up. He was on a higher block now, and Merlin was standing right in front of him on the other side. 

Waiting for him to fail. Eggsy could tell. 

"Are you enjoying this?" Eggsy said, a note of accusation leaking out. 

"More than you realize." Merlin smiled. 

"I'm going to fall on you." 

Eggsy almost did lose his balance, on the next leap. He hopped down, annoyed with himself, and rested with his hands on his knees. 

"Are you in pain?" Merlin asked. 

Of course he was, but he wasn't injured. He was fine. "No."

"Then why aren't you moving?" Merlin's tone was calm, curious.

Eggsy looked up at him from his where he was bent over. He was angry, but he wasn't sure if it was with Merlin or himself. Merlin had planted himself on the mat with his feet apart. There was a smile hidden in his eyes, waiting. Eggsy had a moment where he really, really wanted Merlin to touch him, to punish him for failing. He knew he wouldn't. 

He leapt, with a step assist. 

"No. Don't step."

"It's unnatural," Eggsy complained. He thought he saw Merlin suppress a laugh as he bent his knees and prepared to go again with both feet together on the ground. 

Jumped up, harder now, and down, more effort to get down than seemed fair. The next two felt solid. Fourth attempt was a crapshoot. He missed his breath and landed with a knee and a hand on the block, let himself fall over it. It felt good to stretch his back.

Merlin stood next to where Eggsy was prone and catching his breath on the block, placing his body between Eggsy and the door. He pulled Eggsy up by his hair to look up at him. Eggsy felt the stretch in his throat, tried to swallow. It was tight. 

"I thought you were tired today," Merlin said, his voice low. "If we weren't in public right now, I might have you jump until I had you on the mat."

Eggsy's mouth was dry, his stomach twisted vulnerably against the edge of the block. If they weren't in public and Merlin wasn't holding him up by his hair, Eggsy thought, he'd want to push forward and nose Merlin through his fly right now. 

"Down." Merlin released him. Eggsy's head felt heavy and he let himself tip over into a brief handstand and somersault onto the mat. He rolled on his knees and smiled up at Merlin when he walked around to look at him. 

"Enough energy to perform?"

Merlin's appraisal was dizzying. It promised something awful. Eggsy knew Merlin wasn't going to ask him to do anything near like a training exercise, but it still made him feel like he was seated on a trap door. 

"To the bar with you."

Eggsy did pull-ups, less than ten and felt like he was going to drop. He felt Merlin's shadow on his back as he fought to leverage himself up. 

"Don't fall," Merlin murmured, breath hitting the shell of his ear, and Eggsy nearly lost his grip. Merlin stepped back and around to face him, said "Look at me," and started counting. 

Eggsy had forgotten, how hard it could be to walk in a straight line sometimes, with Merlin looking at him like that. At the same time it had enabled him to do impossible things. Merlin stopped counting, but he didn't tell Eggsy to stop. Eggsy's soft sounds as he pulled himself up, his pneumatic breaths, his grip on the bar, were loud in the space between them. 

He couldn't keep his eyes open, but he could feel Merlin's gaze like a physical touch. 

"I want to kiss you right now," Eggy said, panting out a breath at the bottom of his lift. He was so close. Their shirts brushed when Eggsy lifted up. 

"Don't you dare." 

Eggsy fell to the length of his arms despite himself on the next pull up. He dropped. He didn't intend to go all the way down, but he stumbled on the soft mat and slid to one knee like a cut marionette. 

Something like desire flooded him, along with a cool draft of air, as if Merlin had been hoarding all of the oxygen between them. He would have been hanging onto Merlin's ass in a second, if only Merlin would have let him. 

"I'm done. I want to go home." 

Merlin took his hand and lifted him up, their forearms linking as Eggsy came to stand. 

Eggsy drank the water Merlin gave him and pulled on his jacket. It was just a few blocks home, a quick, silent walk in the stiff air with their hands linked in Merlin's big coat pocket. The sun had risen, and even though he couldn't see it yet it was bright on Eggsy's eyes after the dim flourescence of the weight room. 

Eggsy got the apartment door open, hands shaking, and was disoriented when Merlin turned him around to kiss him, walking Eggsy backwards into his own apartment. Eggsy clung to the back of his coat, heard Merlin pull the door shut in a distant universe unrelated to Merlin's cold hand under his shirt, his tongue in Eggsy's mouth, the sweat drying on his neck and making him shiver in the over warm room. Merlin's teeth scraped against his collar bone, sucking the salt off his skin. 

Eggsy babbled, tugging at Merlin's coat, trying to take it off him. He could feel and hear JB dancing around their legs, little nails tapping on the linoleum. "Coat, coat, coat," Eggsy complained, his head hitting the wall. "Merlin, please." 

Merlin leaned back to look at him. His eyes were black in the dark hallway. "Please," Eggsy said, feeling the planes of Merlin's back under his shirt. He didn't know what he meant. Just that he was about to melt into a puddle of hot water and Merlin's hip pinning him into the hallway wall was the only thing holding him together. "Kiss me."

Merlin didn't so much kiss him as taste him, consume him, stopping to savor the skin under his ears. 

Eggsy couldn't stop himself from breathing out a whine, his hands coming to Merlin's chest. He swore he could feel the seam of Merlin's jeans against his erection, pinned between them. 

"I want to. Can I?" He let his hand slide down Merlin's shirt, catching his fingers on the loops of his jeans. He pressed his palm to Merlin's cock, felt out the warm line of it under his clothes. 

"Do you?" Merlin murmured, touching his face.

Eggsy nodded and unbuttoned Merlin's jeans, feeling for the zipper. He felt molten, sliding down to his knees. 

"Oh." Merlin's hand came to the back of Eggsy's head and he breathed out as Eggsy pressed his nose and mouth to his briefs, hot against Eggsy's face. 

Eggsy tugged on his jeans and underwear until he had room to see. Merlin's erection stood out, his balls still cradled in his briefs. He was radiantly warm, and Eggsy's mouth watered at the heat and scent. He leaned forward to lick Merlin's cock into his mouth, holding on by the loops of his jeans. 

Time slid into a long, warm moment with Eggsy just holding the tip of Merlin's cock on his tongue, feeling it there. He didn't think Merlin was especially thick, as far as he knew, but it was much more than Eggsy's usually had in his mouth and he was worried he would scrape with his teeth. 

He felt Merlin lean with one hand against the wall above his head, heard his name on a breath when he dared to lean forward a little more and suck. 

Eggsy made a small sound in his throat, felt his tongue depressed when Merlin nudged his hips forward for the first time. 

"Okay?"

Merlin reached for his ear, his hair, and Eggsy moved on his knees and took him in a little more. He found his limit before he wanted to, eyes watering, and reached to hold the base of Merlin's cock and rub his balls with one hand. 

Eggsy tried to communicate a consenting sound and slid back, suckling, then forward again, just there.

"Eggsy, oh," Merlin groaned. "Come here. Up, up." Merlin tugged gently on his shirt. 

Eggsy pulled himself up awkwardly with a hand on the wall, not wanting to talk, but Merlin was kissing him again, pulling him in close to grind against Eggsy's stomach. 

Merlin walked him over to lie on the couch. He stood above Eggsy for just a moment, shedding his coat, boots and jeans while Eggsy toed off his shoes and struggled to pull his shirt off his back. 

Merlin tore his shirt the rest of the way off and straddled him. "Oh shit," Eggsy breathed

Merlin squeezed his erection in his gym shorts, and started stroking him off in the slippery fabric with no further ado. Eggsy gripped his forearm, trying to reach for him. "Fuck, Merlin, wait."

Merlin palmed him with long smooth strokes and Eggsy fell back, panting. 

"Are you going to come in your shorts?" Merlin asked him, fondling his own cock. Eggsy groaned and clawed at the couch, Merlin's thigh. 

"If you don't. Oh," Eggsy choked on a gasp, bucking his hips, but he was pinned to the couch with Merlin wrenching an orgasm out from under his poor attempts to keep a grip.

Eggsy twisted against the couch as he came. He could feel Merlin breathing against his cheek and he reached to wrap his fingers around Merlin's on his cock. Eggsy felt him come, pulsing against his wrist. 

They lied down together, Merlin's head on Eggsy's chest. Eggsy rubbing his palm against Merlin's buzzed hair. He hummed, and almost laughed. 

"What?" Merlin said into his chest, when he had fallen quiet and still again. 

"I'm tired now."

"No sleeping. I still have to report today." 

Eggsy laughed. 

"Was that too much?" Merlin asked him. "Are you in any pain? Do you need anything?"

He was clearly gathering himself, rebooting. Eggsy, not at all prepared for a debrief, let his hand fall off the couch. He could just touch the floor with his fingertips. 

"No, no. It was hot," he said. He stretched, as much as he could under Merlin. He'd be a bit sore, certainly. "I'll tell you tomorrow," he yawned, aborted on a sharp breath when Merlin's hand slid into his shorts to feel his cock, skin against skin.

His palm was cool, and dry, and Eggsy squirmed, wanting to push into it. "God, yes, Merlin, please." He rubbed Merlin's shoulder, the side of his face. 

Merlin touched him slowly this time, still on him, Eggsy with one free leg and an arm that he mostly used to grab Merlin's shoulder and to feel his mouth and cheeks when Merlin bit and sucked on his fingers. 

He moaned, breathed, twitched helplessly in Merlin's hand as he played with him. Merlin tugged his erection, held him still, stroked, held him still. 

Eggsy's heart was pounding. "I thought you were done torturing me today," he wheezed.

Merlin's ear was against his chest. "More effective than a jog," he commented, thumbing the head of Eggsy's leaking cock. "More entertaining, too," when Eggsy swore at him. 

Merlin let up at last and started to finish him properly, letting Eggsy take his hand and show him how. 

"Didn't I say," Eggsy panted, when he'd finally come again, "About you not being nice. Oh god," he breathed, and covered his face. "That was good."

Merlin stretched to bite his jaw and sat up, pushing Eggsy's legs out of the way. 

"Nice enough to buy you lunch, if you're still awake in a few hours."

Eggsy listened from the couch while Merlin gathered his things. He sat up to see his shadow against the wall in the bathroom. JB claimed the center of the couch after Merlin vacated, and had curled up and gone to sleep already. Eggsy listened the water run, Merlin cleaning his face, brush his teeth, the latch as he swung the door shut to finish and dress again. 

"I'll order, bring it to the park," Eggsy said, about lunch, when Merlin reappeared, looking crisp and professional in a sweater vest and tie. He had removed his contacts and was wearing a pair of tortoiseshell glasses that Eggsy hadn't seen in a while. 

"I like those," Eggsy said, reaching for him over the couch. 

Merlin smiled. He took Eggsy's hand and dipped over to peck his lips, off center. "Good morning, darling," he said. 

"Goodbye, gorgeous." Worth it for the way Merlin smiled when he turned to shut the door, latching it. "Call me!" Eggsy shouted after him.


End file.
